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So for some ridiculous reason I think it is a good idea to start performing stand up comedy. It sounds douchy just saying those words. “I want to be a stand up comic,” to which any normal person would respond, “On your journey can you stop in Whoville and get me some green eggs and ham you unrealistic self indulged moron.” Here is it… Coming out of my mouth, “I want to be a stand up comedian.”

After the triumph of getting over how ridiculous I would sound to the three people who actually care about me, I started to write some material, which by the way is a lot harder than sounds for a couple of reasons.

The most glaring reason is that I am a huge fan of stand up, and when you watch a lot of stand up it is almost impossible to stay original. You are listening to someone who had perfected his act, and devoted years of his life to become good at making people laugh. It’s almost impossible not to leach off of their creativity. So…

  • Step 1- STOP WATCHING COMEDY.
  • Step 2- Buy big bag of marijuana and watch documentaries and surf the internet.

The first joke I wrote was when I was heavily under the influence of the psychoactive compound that can change the world: Tetrahydrocannabinol. I was watching an episode of Oliver Stone’s self-riotous documentary about the “real” history of the United States. Fuck you Oliver Stone you don’t tell the truth you pretend to tell a mutilated version of fiction and non-fiction jumbled together with no warning of what is true or what is part of your imagination. FUCK you and FUCK that hour too long self masturbation fest you call a film JFK. Anyways, I was watching that show and I saw a frame of Eleanor Roosevelt giving a speech and I immediately started laughing hysterically, because my first original “joke” manifested in my brain…

The premise of the joke is really 3rd grade humor. Living in the most significant economic recession since the Great Depression, I was hit with an overdose of reality. I realized that we had gotten ourselves out of the Great Depression and rose to be the most prosperous and powerful nation in all of history. With that experience we could go back to the annals of history and put together an economic plan of action that could have the same effect in this generation. Then I saw Eleanor Roosevelt and was tremendously saddened, because I knew we were absolutely screwed.

All the masses care about these days is a person’s style – celebrity status – their swagger. As a nation with this mindset we are stuck with a charismatic handsome egomaniac of a President with a smoking hot completely-fuckable first lady. While our country is in shambles, and the population is apathetic to this problem all major media outlets still publishing filth about the last time Kim Kardashian sucked an 11- inch dick dry, which happens consistently every 45-minutes. Back in the 30’s we didn’t give a fuck about what people looked like. All we cared about were qualifications and ability, and that cripple and his fucking fugly wife saved this country!

I was really happy with myself, but I realized I cannot bring this to the stage. In an open mic they only give you 5-minutes. So with my inexperience I felt I didn’t have enough time to get to the point while having enough punch lines. So I wrote a joke about my first daughter being born, “Walking into the birthing room it could have been a scene in Platoon. I was completely blown away that something as beautiful as a child being born could look like the torture room at Git-mo. I saw my lady’s vagina dilated 10-CENTIMETERS AND A PERSON CAME OUT, AAAH! I pleaded with the doctor to give me another stitch. I’m Irish when my dick is soft it looks like a button on a fur coat. Afterwards, my wife’s vagina looked like it went 12 rounds with Tyson. Her vagina looked like it swallowed a puppy and it chewed its way out. After me gaining 80-pounds while she was pregnant and having to witness the devastating abuse her private parts endured, sex will never be the same. They say it takes 6-weeks for a woman’s vagina to heal from child birth before you can have sex again. I think that a woman is much more resilient than that. I saw it takes 2 weeks. The extra month for the man’s psyche to repair.”

So after about a month and a half of talking to my wife saying that I will eventually do it I grew a pair, and went to Bishop’s Lounge in Northampton, Ma which hosts an open mic every Wednesday. The drive there I am all inside of my head, and I am absolutely terrified that, this room full of amateurs, are going to be so elitist that they are going to boo me off of stage. Which is an irrational fear, it’s a room full of people who have the same exact fear as you, but everyone feels that they are independent in that thought, and some asshole is going to manifest this fear into reality and crush your dreams. Ridiculous I know!

So when I got there it was a great vibe to be a part of. It is too bad that I wasn’t apart of it. It was really awkward, because I felt like everyone knew one another and that there was a place card outside of their clubhouse that stated, “Ryan Maloney is not welcome.”

So I spent most of my wait to perform chain smoking on the deck, and awkwardly laughing at jokes that bombed so that subconsciously they would pay-it-forward when my material bombs. I didn’t know anyone in the lounge, well I knew someone this guy Matt who was my wife’s ex boyfriend. So the only person I knew in the group was someone that had been inside my wife. So needless-to-say I was nervous and a little miserable. People on the deck were trying to have conversations with me which didn’t amount to an ounce of dog shit because of my mental state. There is no way to adequately communicate with someone unknown while your brain is inundated with this anxious fear that everyone is going to hate you.

So finally it was my turn to perform, which was the last spot of the night and right after the guy who has been inside my wife during her college years. I get announced to the stage, and I calmly walk up, grab the microphone and start my act. I was incredibly nervous, but for some reason as soon as I started talking my nerves disappeared and it felt right. As soon as I got my first laugh that was it. I couldn’t wait to write more material to hopefully get more laughs next time.

I am now addicted. I cannot wait until I can do this again. Immediately after my set I researched more open mics in my area went online and found out that there is a comedy club in Manchester, Ct that has an open mic.

I have always wanted to become a writer, because I felt it was the only way to get my point of view across, which is mostly satirical. I am so excited that I finally grew a pair of balls and experimented with this new venue of expressing my fucked-up reality, and I am excited for what the future has to bring. Check in with me next time, and I will let you know how I progress on this journey. I am ready for the ups and downs of this experience.

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